Ahhhh, the silent treatment. The cold shoulder. Rejection! Whatever you want to call it – it’s one in the same.

For the most part, men are the ones who get the silent treatment from their girlfriends or wives, but men can also be the one’s giving the silent treatment as well! It’s not THAT uncommon.

The silent treatment sucks and, to be honest, it’s quite childish.

There ARE periods in a relationship when one person needs to take a step back and a time out to collect their thoughts, but the silent treatment is going a bit over the top.

There has to be communication in a relationship for it to work and if one person is plugging their ears and saying ‘NA NA NA!’ then it can be hard to fix issues in a timely and effective manner.

It’s always better for the relationship to say something like “I need some time to think and figure things out and then I will come and talk to you about it” instead of giving the silent treatment which says ‘I’m sulking and there is nothing you can do about it!’

Why Do You Get The Silent Treatment?

Well first and foremost you get the silent treatment because your partner doesn’t know a better way to handle their anger or hurt, or because they want to feel like they have some power in the relationship. So in essence, it really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your partner.

But the reasons your partner decides to give you the silent treatment are many. Normally you get the silent treatment because:

You have done something wrong in their eyes

This is when you have done something that has made your partner so mad and/or hurt that THEY don’t want to talk about what you did.

You may not actually know what you have done wrong – that doesn’t matter though, the fact is that you did something that they feel is wrong and this is how they are dealing with it.

You have said something wrong

We all say things that are stupid to our partners and we usually quickly correct it or it gets a quick bout of the silent treatment. But sometimes we don’t know when we say something that they consider stupid. It doesn’t sound stupid to us!

Here’s a good sign of them thinking you said something wrong: If your partner is happy and laughing and then you say something, and all of a sudden you are getting the silent treatment – you said something wrong.

Sometimes though your partner may hold on to something that you said earlier and give you the silent treatment later for it.

It may have hurt them in the moment and the more they thought about it the angrier and more hurt they got. It’s hard for you to know what you did at this point because it happened earlier. Normally this will not be a sudden silent treatment but rather progress from a not-so-happy partner to a complete silent treatment in an easy and fluent manner.

You forgot something (anniversary, important event in their lives)

You probably will not have any clue about what you did at this point either. Your partner will not inform you that you forgot, they will want you to figure it out for yourself, but that’s kind of hard to do when you don’t have any memory of it in the first place.

Also, you are being given the silent treatment and you are dealing with the feelings that come from that so taking the time to recall if you forgot something is not first and foremost on your mind.

For no reason at all!

You may not have done anything. Your partner may have made up something in their head – like “he/she doesn’t love me” or “he/she does not want to be around me anymore!”

There are a number of different things that they can make up in their head – and if they are not communicating with you properly in the first place then chances are this is very easy for them to do because they are not clarifying what they need to know with you.

This normally comes from insecurity on their part. When you lack self-confidence in your relationship it can be very easy to make up stories in your head.

Because they don’t have a better way of doing things

When we first started dating my husband used to give me the silent treatment when he was upset. It drove me crazy! I would beg him to talk to me, and finally one day I said you are either going to have to learn a new way of communicating with me or we are going to have to end this relationship because I can’t deal with the feeling of rejection anymore.

Obviously together we learned a better way.

He had learned to give the cold shoulder to me from his father! His dad used to get so angry that he would retreat to his garage for days – not one day, but days at a time. This is what my husband saw and since his mother didn’t seem to mind he thought it was a good way of dealing with his emotions.

Is The Silent Treatment Abusive?

I’ve actually seen the silent treatment referred to as a form of emotional abuse. I know that it can cause a lot of stress on the person who is trying to actually trying to be a grown-up and communicate.

In a way they are saying “You are not worthy of my communication until I feel that I’m ready to talk to you – so I’m just going to not say anything and pretend I don’t hear you until my inner-self says it’s okay to start communicating again.”

Of course frustration sets in for the person getting the silent treatment, and then anger follows, and then hurt – and then you feel like your power has been taken away because there is nothing you can do to get the other person to talk…so in a way the other person is messing with your emotions and – yes, that could be considered a form of abuse, but personally –  I would refer to it as the I-don’t-know-any-better syndrome.

Bottom line: They need to learn a better way to deal with their feelings and communicate!

Finding A Better Way!

To avoid the silent treatment you have to learn how to communicate properly in your relationship. If you are getting the silent treatment right now then that is a good sign that you have not figured it out yet.

Read a book on how to communicate better as a couple and start implementing the strategies you learn into your relationship. Or visit a therapist and let him or her help your relationship and the communication issues you are having.

Take action on making your relationship better when it comes to communication and you will notice that the silent treatment will start to disappear from your relationship.

Big note: It won’t just happen. If you don’t take action towards communicating better than nothing will change. You have to change the way you and your partner relate to each other and the only way to do that is with outside help.

If you already had the tools to fix your relationship communication issues at your disposal then you would not be getting the silent treatment.

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It’s going to happen. You are going to have communication problems with in your relationship. The chances of it not happening are very slim if you have not learned how to effectively communicate with your partner.

Miscommunication happens because we all hear and say things differently – we interpret things differently. But if you learn how to communicate with your partner in a respectful and effective way then you can all but avoid communication problems in your relationship, because you will be communicating in a way you both enjoy.

6 Important Things To Remember That Will Help you Overcome Your Communication Problems in Relationships

1. Remember That Men and Women Speak and Hear Differently!

I used to think this was a sexist way of looking at things, that was before I started studying relationships and the relationship dynamics between a man and a woman. Men and women think, speak, and hear differently. It’s a matter of fact!

If you haven’t readMen Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, then I suggest picking it up! It will help you to understand the opposite sex a little better, and even understand yourself a little better. It will make communication problems non-existent once you understand how to properly communicate with your partner.

2. Listen Considerately!

Two communication problems stem from not listening considerately.

The first reason we don’t listen considerately during communication is because we think we are right! We tend to have our guards up and speak without listening just so we can prove our point. All this does is make your partner feel unheard and as though you feel they are beneath you in some regard. Listen to what your partner has to say and remember that they have a point of view too!

Another reason we don’t listen is because we think we know what our partner is going to say. We guess at their responses to questions and fill in the blanks with our own made-up answers. If you don’t listen to your partner you will never know what they really have to say.
3. Don’t Blame Your Partner

Don’t play the blame game. It never ends well. Instead of trying to point the finger at your partner while communicating try taking credit for your end of the relationship issues. By doing this you will make communication less threatening to your partner and more fluent between the two of you.

Instead of telling your partner that they are the ones that make life miserable for you, try telling them that you would like them to be more attentive because you appreciate it when they are. See how blame comes across a lot more miserable than simply stating how you are affected.

Bottom line: Don’t blame when communicating as it only causes communication problems, instead see things from both sides.

4. Don’t Travel Outside The Facts While Communicating

Not sticking to the facts is a huge part of communication problems in relationships. It causes hurt, anger, and unnecessary fighting.

Stick to the facts as you know it and don’t bring up stuff that you can’t prove – at least from their point of view.

For example if your partner hurt you in front of some friends you may be inclined to say “You disrespected me in front of my friends!” You can’t prove this as much as you believe it because everyone has different standards of respect. But if you say “I was embarrassed when you told Susan that you don’t think I should ask for a promotion” then you are stating the facts of how you felt. Your partner can’t argue it because it’s how you felt and you get your point across in a better manner this way as well.

5. Be Honest But Considerate

If you normally take the ‘I’m always right road’ then you are not doing your relationship any favors, nor your communication problems. Your partner is not going to want to talk to you EVER if you take that approach. But you still want to be honest with your feelings and thoughts.

When you need to speak your mind be considerate of your partners feelings. Use kindness, respect, and tact. If you attack your partner or try to hurt them in some way, even if you think you are being honest, you are not going to get very far in getting through to them. In fact, they will probably stop listening after a short time. Instead say things in a way that doesn’t hurt them or attack them. Be honest, but considerate.

6. Don’t Try To Coach Your Partner

Your partner most likely did not get into a relationship with you expecting your to rectify their bad habits and personality flaws. They weren’t looking for another mother or father, elder, boss, or coach in their life. They were looking for a friend and partner to share their life with. So don’t be anyone but that!

I’ve said this a million times but it’s true. Everyone has different beliefs, thoughts, and history that makes them who they are today. If you tell them that they are wrong when they do something then you are telling them that their beliefs, thoughts, and history are wrong – you are essentially telling them that THEY are wrong. That’s not something anyone wants to feel, especially when their partner made them feel like that.

A relationship partner is supposed to support their partner, not change them. If your partner has bad habits that you think are hurting them then constructive criticism is essential, but the key word is constructive. It should help them see things in a new way, not force them to change because you said so.

And remember, positive feedback always works better than negative feedback. Negative feedback creates communication problems.

So when your partner does something that you agree with or enjoy then let them know that! Chances are they will increase that action that you enjoyed and do it more, and eventually cut out what you dislike anywise.

For example, if your partner always throws their clothes on the floor and you continuously yell at them about how childish it is to throw clothes on the floor, then they are not likely to pick up their clothes. But if you notice one day that they do pick up their clothes and make them feel like the most special person in the world for doing so, chances are they will pick up their clothes more!

So there you have it! 6 important things to remember that will help you overcome communication problems in your relationships.

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